Lobsang you give good advise a lot of time to others, to help them continue. Why can't you live in the rain Forrest any more? You have told many how to go out and met real women. Try doing this yourself. You are just down now. And you know that things can get better in your heart. It is up to you to learn to live and not just survive. Just take it one day at a time, like you did when you stopped your drugs. I don't know where you live. But try going to a new place everyday just to see if you can find the beauty in where you are at. Start counting the things you have and you will realize there is a reason to live. I hope you feel better. Suicide is not the answer, because tomorrow can be better if you want it to.

Never say never, your problem is you are stuck with thinking there is no way out, but there is just like you got out of drugs and alcohol, there is always a way out, paying what you owe back will maybe take time but there are a lot of options you could take to make this happen, you just dont want to do you ?

Well I do not want to live without my family. That is the main thing. And I cannot live with the guilt and shame. So no I do not want to live without my family. The money is secondary. But still I could never ever pay back hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of dollars without a decent job and I have no skills. But even if I could there would be no family. So it would not matter. And after letting them down and ruining everything I do not deserve to have anything or happiness. But even if I did deserve it which I don't my family is gone so I have no reason to live. Becasue they were my world.

Well does your family know your off the drugs and alcohol ?

Well yes but still it does not matter because my wife found someone else who basically stepped in and stole her from me when things were fragile. And so I cannot get them back. And even if I could I have no way to take care of them. And I really let them down especially because my son cannot speak or walk or talk or anything. But he can think and use a computer by moving his head. But I loved them so much and I can't get them back. And even if I could which I can't I would nto be able to take care of them. And there is all the shame and guilt and the sadness. I have not even smiled or laughed in 7 years. Not really any happy thoughts. Everything crushed and ruines. And I will not live in this much longer. I have dreams aI am back with them only to wake up alone. I have dreams I am back in the rainforest healing people but I wake up and it is all a lie and gone. I can't even bring myself to enjoy anything. I do not want anything. Just my life back. It is all that simple. But I am too much of a wimp to just get what needs to be done over with and stop the pain. So thats all.

Lobsang if you are truly an MD, then you can easily learn or already know basic ER skills and field surgery. There are many places in the world where they need such people and will not care about your past. Before you kill yourself, you should save at least 100 lives. That should be your punishment, if that is what you crave.

I agree kamebazooka. Maybe if you did some good for others, it would help you feel better. You might not be able to pay back what ever money you owe. But you can give someone else their life, when maybe without you they would not live. And most people want to live. That is worth more than money. Think about it. Do something positive.

No even if I could do that. And it is not as easy as you think. I still cannot functiona at with all the pain and sadness. I could never practice safely. I am way way too messed up. And even if I could you do not just go to some third world country and practice. And they DO care about your past. Even in Haiti you cannot practice as an American doctor without an american license. These governments check you out. I have looked. And I do not crave punishment. But I do not deserve to live. And I cannt bring my self to do anything really much because of the pain. It is not that simple really. I know it sounds simple but it is not

who says anything about practicing as MD? only pride would insist you must be a high-status doctor instead of doing relief work. if you can function enough to set a broken bone or inject antibiotics, you have use somewhere.

Well before you give up hope have you been to a phyciatrist ? and have you asked GOD for help ?

t
Lobsang, i don't want you to die, but if i were you i would fight a bear

Well I do no need a psychiatrist. That is not going to bring my family back just give me some drugs to numb me. They will diagnose depression and give me SSRIs and blah..blah...blah... And I do not believe at all in any way in a God that is personal or cares at all about us personally. It is a delusion. I believe in the condciouse unified field of nature. But that cannot change reality. And as far as functioning to set bones and inject people I think you have a wrtong idea of how the world world works. And also like I said I could never focus on anything without my family. I am toast. I am dead. I am over and done. I am a walking dead man. The question is when will it happen. And how. That is the question.

how old are you Lobsang.

f
how bout you fantasia? and gender? height?

SacJB, do you flirt with every female you meet?