I need to die. I need to kill myself. How can I?

lobsang that is an intense story, and explains a lot, but i suggest you reread it too -- the way 'dreamer' behaves, he is actually quite lucky that something worse did not happen to him sooner. in any case you cannot claim to be back to your old self now. whether it is pre-existing or exacerbated by substances, your brain can not cope with your current situation. Face it, your own brain chemistry is working against you -- you are not in control now, and large parts of your drug use were probably always out of your control. A bad turn of events triggered it, but your current hopelessness and depression is manufactured by your brain, not reality. If you can't 'fix' your situation, you can fix your brain that refuses to deal with it. I can't tell you how to do this, but you have years of medical training and personal experimentation with substances. I have faith that you can figure it out. In fact it is your duty to figure it out. My friend has a similar situation to yours -- he did tons of acid and smoked pot every day through his youth. Before he was very gregarious and active, like sacjb, but now he has total lack of affect. He was prescribed SSRIs, but like you and sacjb, he does not like them because they make him feel strange. He didn't have his own rainforest, but he basically lost everything too. If you don't want to save yourself, then try to save this guy at least.

but your current hopelessness and depression is manufactured by your brain, not reality. Well the thing is that there is brain chemistry and there is reality. And owing hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of dollars with no way to pay it back and not being able to bankrupt it or deal with the tax man because it will cause major problems for other s is a REALITY. Not having my family and all the other stuff is another reality... So there are impossible realities. And sure ...What the hell. I would not be suprized if a person would not have brain chemistry alterations in my shoes,,, However. There are not always chemical keys to fix these problems. I tried many. And things were still totally hopeless then. I mena there are physical realities that are hopeless here. So that is the operational issue. If you don't want to save yourself, then try to save this guy at least. It has nothing to do with "want"...It is a practicle analysis of a situation. Sure I wish I could live. And everything was fine. But you know what I really never really wanted to live in a run down body. This is not me. For god's sake. I have high blood pressure, probable diabetes, had a silent MI and a friggen cerebeller stroke. And I am pretty young for all that. But anyway...What do you mean "save this guy" what guy? Who needs help?

save my friend whose story is pretty similar to yours -- when i read dreamer's description of eating acid and smoking pot day after day, that sounds just like him. he probably doesn't care if i use his real name (he doesn't care about anything anymore), but i'll call him lobsang2 because he sounds just like you. even when he was smoking pot in school lobsang2 was smarter than any of us. he was a big drinker too and joked that the alcohol killed the weak brain cells and left only the strong ones, and that's how he can ace exams without even studying. Is DXM also the ingredient in cough syrup? This is strange, but lobsang2 used to do 'robotripping' which is getting high off robatussin. his situation is shot too. do you have all your limbs? because lobsang2 doesn't. but believe me, his missing arm, inability to pay medical bills, and DEAD family, aren't his real problem. help him out.

Well yes DXM is in cough syrup. But if he did it occasionally there would likely be no problem. I mean lie a couple of times a week. But if you do it daily for long periods it can cause psychosis. And if you really do it for a long long time it can cause brain lesions. But how much real brain dysfunction they cause is not known. But anyway you are skirting the issue. What Is his "real" problem?

Lobsang how old are you if you dont mind..?

we know lobsang2's problem is some chemical imbalance in his brain. his doctors (when he was seeing doctors) haven't helped him much. i don't know if he had a psychotic break but one year he had both arms, a successful career, fiance etc... and the next time i see him he is broke, alone, and refuses to wear prosthetic because he no longer cares. Well you have really no idea what is in his heart. Life is hard. You just cannot make the premise that he is chemically imbalanced. Everything may have fallen apart to the degfree that he does not want to or cannot change it. Like I said there are impossible situations in life. He is either in one or he is not. But it is doubtful that all of a sudden his neurochemistry shifted and he changed. Something happened to the man. And that something caused this. There is a solution or therre is not. He obviously lost something or somethins did not happen thaty meant the world to him. Why not ask him. If you could have everything alright in your worl and be happy, what would it be. What would you need to be happy? Now for example I can give you an exact answer on that. If he cannot give an answer to that then it could be chemical. And by that I mean nutritional or in possible need of meds. But again you say this happen suddenly. So I would suspect something happened that ruined his world.

Lobsang, How did you get in the debt that you are in? 100's of thousands. From your post I read before, without knowing all the facts, (which I still don't) I thought you got involved with drug lords and that is why you can not be with your son. But why would you let a man that was your friend have your house and everything in it, including your family. And why would your wife stay in said house. Is it paid for? Are they living the high life at your cost? If not how can they afford it? Was your friend also a Doctor or such? There is more here I know. But like others said there is a way out. I mean you made your dream life right. Why do you feel that you can not do it again. As for your family, many have loved and lost. But they can find love again. Seven years is a long time to mourn. But that doesn't make it wrong. But you need to move on. And maybe something even better will come your way. I don't know maybe I am only hoping that the best will happen to you. I know saying and doing are totally different things. But still I hope

Now for example I can give you an exact answer on that. If he cannot give an answer to that then it could be chemical. That is very strange logic to apply. I have not talked to him in months, but I can tell you exactly what will make him "happy" -- wild drug parties, thrilling situations. He admitted to me he is an addict. Like you, lobsang, he somehow dodged any major bullets well into adulthood. basically, lobsang2 was already imbalanced to begin with -- that's the source of his reckless behavior. we just couldn't see it because he was so good at succeeding despite it, but now we know better. lobsang, if you could take back your big mistake, you know that sooner or later another mistake would have been around the corner. It's the same with lobsang2. I don't keep in touch with lobsang2 anymore. he may even be homeless now. i mean it when i say you could be his only hope for a solution.

I don't keep in touch with lobsang2 anymore. he may even be homeless now. i mean it when i say you could be his only hope for a solution. Nah...If all he wants to do is party and take drugs and seek thrills I could not help him. He is beyond help. If he lost everything and still wants to do that it is not worth the time to help him. No if he said that he wanted a decent life back. Like his career abd family then I would consider helping him. But some thrill seeking junkie that wants nothing else? Why? What value is the man to society? He has no desire for anything decent. My point is that if you aske the guy what will make him happy he shoud say something that is decent. Like get his job back or get his family back or get a new family or a new career. But if his answer if that he wants to do drugs and crap. The only help he needs is another crash. To sink even lower. To lose more. To hit rock bottom. If your friend is like that still he has nothing in common with me. lobsang, if you could take back your big mistake, you know that sooner or later another mistake would have been around the corner. It's the same with lobsang2. I do not agree. Plenty of drug users live full lives and never ruin their lives. Just like alcoholics. I was doing just fine before DXM in terms of a functional life. I went from total control to total loss as the result of it. I could have cruised along for the rest of a long life smoking pot and taking LSD evry once and a while. It was the DXM that was unethically given to me that did me in.

Do you manufacture this LSD yourself to make sure it isn't laced with anything else? Do you know for certain chronic smoking of pot as a youth did not affect your brain development? I think you are too easily discounting the possibility that mistakes were already made well before the DXM incident. What is an adult with a family and a medical practice doing experimenting with drugs? Maybe consider you share a little bit of lobsang2's thrill-seeking pathology as well. It's tough to tell an addict that they are an addict, when they are successful and functional. We never thought lobsang2 was an addict. I disagree. lobsang2 did hit rock bottom. if he never told me how he wants to rebuild his life, it's not because he doesn't want it, it's because he realizes he will sabotage it against his own will. Now he is stuck at the bottom, as it appears you are too.

Do you manufacture this LSD yourself to make sure it isn't laced with anything else? Well I was using leftover Sandoz or blotter from a lab a knew well and it was all blotter. And blotter can only be DOx or LSD. And DOx is easy for someone who takes Sandoz to detect. So no it would be impossible. Do you know for certain chronic smoking of pot as a youth did not affect your brain development? Well there is no EB science to show that it does. And everything anyone does makes them a bit different from others. And again I had no problem before DXM. Have you got a clue how many professionals smoke a bit of pot every day? I think you are too easily discounting the possibility that mistakes were already made well before the DXM incident. What is an adult with a family and a medical practice doing experimenting with drugs? Maybe consider you share a little bit of lobsang2's thrill-seeking pathology as well. Well like I said I had no trouble before DXM. You keep going back to "thrill seeking". You clearly do not understand the mind set of the psychedelic drug user. As far as "experimenting" I suggest you studt Timothy Leary and lear the difference between my mind set and another. I simply made a judgement error in taking something that I thought was something else. It's tough to tell an addict that they are an addict, when they are successful and functional. We never thought lobsang2 was an addict. Well like I say there are many function addicts. I suys pect your friends problems extend beyond drug addiction into something that happened to him. And also the guy was a party person. I mean you said he never studied in school. Even if he could get the grades not studying is pretty telling of something wrong very early in life. I disagree. lobsang2 did hit rock bottom. if he never told me how he wants to rebuild his life, it's not because he doesn't want it, it's because he realizes he will sabotage it against his own will. Now he is stuck at the bottom, as it appears you are too. I think you are making judgements of people and speculating while not knowing the facts about either person. You cannot possibley know what is going on with your friend. And I really am unclear what or why you would say that "I should or could help him" But then you day you do not even know where he is. What is your motive in saying that? I really do not understand it. I mean getting down to it. What exactly do you want me to do for your friend? When and where? And remember I am the one that has not taken any drug in 7 years. Not even caffeine. However my life situation is not changeable. That is fact. There is simply no way to change it. I have tried from all angles. There are things in this world that are impossible. That is the bottome line. That is the issue. There is simply no way to fix the damage for me. But with your friend he cannot really accurately say that if he is still using drugs.. So any way what solution do you have to getting my family back and the other things? Or what methods would you recommend for my death?

1. The 'dreamer' in your story very clearly had brain changes early on from drug use (vision trails, etc...) 2. are you equating adults smoking pot with youths whose brains are still developing smoking pot? say another youth is beginning to use pot at the same age you began, and is beginning to use it chronically, with no apparent ill effects yet -- will you encourage that youth to stop and wait, or not? 3. you say you had 'no problem' prior to DXM. well lobsang2 had 'no problem' either before that year. 4. call it thrill-seeking, call it expermenting, whatever you like -- something made you take more risks than normal, not just in DXM but throughout your life. wouldn't you agree? you say you are different from others -- can you rule out that some pathology contributes to this difference? 5. how does not studying indicate anything? he didn't study because he didn't have to. 6. you're right i don't know many things about him, but what i do know matches your situation so closely that i think you are the only one who can figure something out for him. I don't have a solution for lobsang2, so if i ever meet him again, what can i say? So any way what solution do you have to getting my family back and the other things? Or what methods would you recommend for my death? What solution do you have for him? His family is dead, not just far away like yours, but dead. Who will employ him now? Do you think he should be a reseller for alex? How do you recommend lobsang2 die? I had no desire to see this guy again -- he has cut off all his friends -- any support system he could use to build up his life again, but if you come up with a solution, i will try to locate him and pass him your advice.

1. The 'dreamer' in your story very clearly had brain changes early on from drug use (vision trails, etc...) Well if you studied it you would understand what HPPD is as I had it. It is a recovery problem in te visual centers of the brain. It does not involve the mind. They are 2 different things. 2. are you equating adults smoking pot with youths whose brains are still developing smoking pot? say another youth is beginning to use pot at the same age you began, and is beginning to use it chronically, with no apparent ill effects yet -- will you encourage that youth to stop and wait, or not? I do not think it is good to use pot every day for anyone. I think that kids should not do it more so than adults. That said I would be concerned if I had a kid that showed no interest in mind exploration. Whether it be by drugs or not. I would not be upset in the least if my kid smoked pot. But I would be concerned if he did it every day or in school. 3. you say you had 'no problem' prior to DXM. well lobsang2 had 'no problem' either before that year. Well OK..But we still do not know what happened to him. What the situation was. In think we need to know that. Something must have happend to the guy. He must have lost something. 4. call it thrill-seeking, call it expermenting, whatever you like -- something made you take more risks than normal, not just in DXM but throughout your life. wouldn't you agree? you say you are different from others -- can you rule out that some pathology contributes to this difference? Well everyone is different. I never had a problem before the DXM. I mean I couild be a jerk sometimes in certain ways. And we come back to this risk thing. Well I do not think pot and LSD are big risks at all. They are quite safe. Now sky diving is a risk. Riding a motorcycle is a risk. Shooting heroin with a dirty needle is a risk. Working is a coal mine is a risk. Down hill skiing is a risk, sex on a casual level is a risk, flying in a helicoptor is a risk. There are all kinds of risks. I never did those things. I view thoise things as infinitely more risky than smoking pot or taking LSD. So there is a tendency to make drug use a big "risk"...There are many risky thigs. People do not patholologize them. 5. how does not studying indicate anything? he didn't study because he didn't have to. Well he was able to get by because he was smart. But you see by not studying he showed that he was not trying to reach HIS full potentiol in school. Yes he passed the tests. But he could have studied and learned far far more. I did not have to study as much as others but I studies more. He obviously was not interested in learning but interested in getting through school. 6. you're right i don't know many things about him, but what i do know matches your situation so closely that i think you are the only one who can figure something out for him. I don't have a solution for lobsang2, so if i ever meet him again, what can i say? Well I do not know what to say because I have no idea what his situation is. I just do not know. I mean I would have to talk to the guy and see what he had to say. Everyone is different. I know nothing of his life or his ethics and personality. I have no idea if he was sociopathic or a giver. I have no idea what happened to him. What solution do you have for him? His family is dead, not just far away like yours, but dead. Who will employ him now? Do you think he should be a reseller for alex? How do you recommend lobsang2 die? Well I just do not know what to say. As I said I do not know what the situation is. I mean how blocked he is and what he wants. So I would have to know a lot more. Maybe he should try and fix things. maybe he should blow his brains out. I do not know. I might not consider reselling for Alex in the long term. The FDA could shut Alex down at any moment. And one would need money to start. I have no idea what the guy's education is or what his skills are. I had no desire to see this guy again -- he has cut off all his friends -- any support system he could use to build up his life again, but if you come up with a solution, i will try to locate him and pass him your advice. Look like I said I do not know anything about him. So I just cannot say. I would have to know so much more. I mean if you care about the guy then you should keep contact. I can tell you what to ask him. You ask him that if he could change the world to exactly the way he wanted it how would that world be? Then you ned to find out why he is not doing it and if his hope is reasonible and he is not thinking straight or his vision is totally impossible. That would be where to begin. There is a lot to know.

Lobsang, How did you get in the debt that you are in? 100's of thousands. From your post I read before, without knowing all the facts, (which I still don't) I thought you got involved with drug lords and that is why you can not be with your son. Oh well that is not so much debt to have when you are making a high income. It was like all kinds of stuff like medical equiptment. But why would you let a man that was your friend have your house and everything in it, including your family. And why would your wife stay in said house. Is it paid for? Are they living the high life at your cost? If not how can they afford it? Was your friend also a Doctor or such? Well I did not ley him have it. You see it is a long story. But what was I to do? Fight my wife ofr the house? I mean I love her and my son. They need a place to live. And the guy is a talanted artist and my wife is a master at marketing. They made a business selling his art. He was an excellent artist but is a failure at marketing. She saw that and took action. There is more here I know. But like others said there is a way out. I don't see one. I am totally ruined. There is no way out. I mean you made your dream life right. Why do you feel that you can not do it again. As for your family, many have loved and lost. But they can find love again. I do not want a life other than what I had. I just do not. I am not looking for love again. Seven years is a long time to mourn. But that doesn't make it wrong. But you need to move on. And maybe something even better will come your way. I don't know maybe I am only hoping that the best will happen to you. I know saying and doing are totally different things. But still I hope Well thanks. I appreciate the caring. I cannot believe this happened to me.

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